Wow! This is an incredible journey. Facing the death of someone you love so much. Someone who you respect and appreciate so much. The questions plague me. Why did you leave me?! What do I do now?! Who am I?! For 24 years my identity was wrapped up in you. Sigh. People have said that my son Kyle and I were like twins. We were so connected. A good friend of my son’s tried to explain it one night when we were out to dinner. He said, “see this fork…this is Belinda…see this second fork as he laid it on top of the first, this is Kyle. You take one away…you still have them both.” Sigh. So my question is…how do I live on without my twin?!
People tell me all the nice things…like Kyle would want you to do this or that…to be happy. Yeah, I know. The only thing I am truly thankful for is that he died and I did not. My son would have been destroyed by my death. He was close to my Mom…and when she died…well, it hurt us deeply. I survived, but my son struggled with it. It hurt him deeply. It was hard to watch. I know in my heart that my death would have killed him. He would not have recovered. So…I am thankful that if one of us had to die, it was him. That is a hard thing to confess as a parent. Believe me…I would like to say…I wish he was alive and I was dead…but I know too much. This is killing me. As his parent, I would not wish this pain on him and as much as I would like him to be alive…I also know this would have killed him. He was already in so much pain. He lost my Mom…his wife…a child…no, to lose me too, he would not have survived. My question is…how do I?
I breathe in…I breathe out. I take one day at a time. I also handle the burden of living not only without him…but for the both of us now. Every moment of every day is like a gift to me. When I saw the Redwoods and Yosemite and the Grand Canyon…it was for both of us. I was living on with our dreams. When I went skydiving for his birthday…it was to fulfill both of our dreams.
So…now I step forward to live my dreams…without my twin, without my best friend…and it feels so bittersweet. I know in my heart that is what he would want…but he is not here. I have to live on…with courage…and listen to my voice…my dreams…my life…without Kyle. This is the toughest thing I have ever done. But, I know…I was born to do this…and it is time.
I called this blog entry “The Journey” for a reason. I have continually been inspired by the poem by Mary Oliver. I know it is time to listen to my own voice…to lead the life I was meant to live, but it is scary at times. Her poem keeps me focused. Enjoy…and God Bless